One panda left the only place it was ever supposed to be, and has been visiting everyone else's home ever since.
Not lost. Not misplaced. It left on purpose, and it is having a very good time.
The rule: you go to the place you are worst suited to, and you stay long enough to enjoy it.
Currently visiting
The rainforest — residents: sloths, frogs, toucans. The panda borrowed a sloth suit, tried a frog disguise that fooled no frogs, and crossed a rope bridge after dark.
The savanna — residents: meerkats. The panda stood very upright at sunset in a meerkat disguise, and crossed an acacia ridge in a cloak of stitched leaves.
The wetlands — residents: capybaras, axolotls, herons. The panda waded in, rowed out, and walked the boardwalk with a lantern.
The forest — residents: koalas, monarchs, red pandas. The panda spent a day as a koala, borrowed monarch wings for the scenic route, and met the other panda: the red one, no relation.
The sea ice — residents: emperor penguins. The panda arrived in a tailcoat and snow boots. The penguins have not said anything yet.
The city at night — residents: raccoons. The panda arrived in a raccoon costume and, for one night only, brought two friends. The masks are not convincing. Nobody has stopped them.
The bamboo forest — residents: pandas. Home, technically. Currently unoccupied by the only panda that matters.
Not yet visited
Eight stops on the map with nothing in the shop yet. Each one has a visitor story attached, which is real science and not a joke.
- Cold open water — three hearts, eight independent arms, no fixed shape.
- The granite face — two hundred pounds, climbed anyway.
- The roadside, after midnight — an involuntary four-hour collapse, and a tick myth that was never true.
- The pack ice — black skin under clear hair. Technically a relative.
- The tundra — a coat that changes twice a year.
- The dune desert — ears built as radiators.
- The crossing — fat in the hump, not water.
- The alkaline lake — caustic, and stood in on purpose.
Why any of this
Giant pandas are Vulnerable. Red pandas are Endangered. They are not the same animal and neither is a raccoon.
$2 from every tee, long sleeve, sweatshirt and hoodie, and 50¢ from every sticker, goes into our conservation fund. It comes out of what we keep — nothing is marked up to cover it. How the fund works.
Everyone's in the wrong place. Some of us chose it.